


Down into the abyss (save me with your kiss)

by SilentRain91



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Clarke & Lexa & Octavia & Raven end up in an institution for youth with serious issues, Clarke drinks way too much, Clexa slow burn, Depression, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, F/F, Lexa has a depression and eating issues linked to it, Octavia self-harms, Raven uses drugs, Read with care, Self-Harm, be careful because this can be very triggering, major trigger warnings, protective!Lexa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-06-10 17:26:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6966328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentRain91/pseuds/SilentRain91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU </p><p>Clarke, Lexa, Octavia and Raven end up in Polis, an institution for seriously troubled youth. They have a lot of healing to go through, each carrying something painful with them. Read with caution, for all the possible triggers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to hell

Blood is seeping from Octavia’s cuts. She did this to herself, and it isn’t the first time. During the struggles she has had, she began to use this as a way to cope. It brings her at ease, at least for a little while. It numbs the pain she feels. It’s tough to reach pain that is located on the inside, eating at her, but she tries. Ever since her mother died, she lost her footing. She hears a knock on the bathroom door, which startles her.

“O, what is taking you so long?” It’s Bellamy, Octavia’s older brother and the only family she has left. He knocks louder. “Open up, O.” Concern sounds through his voice.

“Shit.” Octavia mutters to herself. She clasps the small blade from her pencil sharpener in the palm of her right hand. Quickly she tugs at her sleeves, covering up the cuts. It stings, but she’s used to that. She has to be fast, the blood will seep through her sleeves soon. Thank god she’s wearing black. “Yeah, give me a second, Bell.”

Bellamy tries to look into Octavia’s eyes, but she is avoiding his gaze completely. He reaches out for one of her arms. Octavia winces from the touch. Bellamy’s eyes fill with panic.

“Let go off me, Bell.” Octavia roughly tries to pull her arm away, but her brother tightens his grip.

“O, please tell me you didn’t hurt yourself again.”

“It’s not your bloody concern!” Octavia snaps at him. She doesn’t want him to meddle. “You don’t understand!” Nobody understands her.

Bellamy carefully slides his sister’s sleeves up. “Oh my god, O.” His eyes fill up with tears.

Octavia hates it when confrontations like this happen. It has been months since he caught her. “It’s not that bad.” Her brother doesn’t need to cry so much about it. “Just scratches, no big deal.”

“Those are not scratches, O.” Bellamy’s voice is breaking. He is like a Jenga tower and someone just pulled a part away from the bottom, making the tower fall. “You said you wouldn’t do this anymore. You keep hurting yourself.”

“You don’t get it!” Octavia seethes at her brother. “I’m already hurt!” She holds her arms out, all bloody and cut. “This is not the hurt I feel, this is my way to live with it.” She runs off into her room.

When Bellamy walks in a while later with his coat on and a suitcase packed, Octavia is terrified. “Bell, no! I’m not going to that place!” Angry tears are spilling from her eyes. “You said you wouldn’t take me there, you wouldn’t have me locked up.”

“And you said you wouldn’t cut yourself anymore.” Bellamy’s voice is calm. “You need help, O. It can’t go on like this. I can’t lose you, you’re all I have.”

Octavia cries as Bellamy places her in his car and drives her to the institution. Her brother is her legal guardian, and she is not eighteen yet, so she has no say in this. Two more years and then she won’t need a guardian anymore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is laughing as she stumbles through the door.

“Honey, where have you been all night?” Clarke’s mother is concerned. “I was close to call the police. You weren’t answering any of my calls, I was worried sick about you.”

“Reeelaaax mommm.” Clarke slurs. “I iz fine.” She hiccups. “I’m an aaduult.”

“You’re seventeen, Clarke.” Abby replies worriedly. “You have been drinking again, haven’t you? And you’re drunk again.”

“Whateverrrs.” Clarke tries to wave her mother off. She stumbles over her own feet and falls. “Woops.” She laughs as her nose bleeds from falling.

Abby’s heart is breaking to see her daughter like this. Jake passed away a few months ago and her daughter began to drink, until at some point Clarke began to show up as drunk every day. “You can’t drink your problems away, Clarke. I know you’re hurting, but this is not the answer.”

Clarke tries to point her finger at her mother, but she sees her mother three times. She laughs and hiccups again. “Me hurtzzz? Nahhh, I iz fineeee.” She slumps to the kitchen. “Gimmeee a drink nowww.”

Abby nearly has to fight to get the glass out of her daughter’s hand. “This has gone too far, Clarke.” She wants to help her daughter, but it has not been going well. With pain in her heart, she packs Clarke’s bag to take her to the one place where her daughter will have the most chance to recover.

Clarke is slumped down on a chair with a bottle of vodka in her hands. “He’s dead!” She throws the bottle across the kitchen and it breaks against the kitchen wall. “No no noooooo.” She stumbles from her chair to go find another bottle. If she can get drunk enough, she can block all the memories out. She wants to drown them.

Abby wraps her arms around her daughter. “Let’s go, Clarke. I’m going to get you help.” She caresses Clarke’s cheek. “Things will be better.”

“Nooo!” Clarke yanks away from her mother. “Hessss goonneee.” Tears rolls down her cheeks. Her head feels like she’s been trying to crack her skull open on some rocks.

Abby’s heart constricts painfully as her daughter keeps crying violently as she drives her to the place that will help. She has to do this. This is not the life Jake would want for Clarke. She needs to get her daughter decent help. Everything she tried so far didn’t work.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa stares at the plate filled with food that’s in front of her on the table. She hasn’t eaten anything for two days now, but she’s not hungry. As the scent from the food spreads through the room, it doesn’t water her mouth.

Anya takes Lexa’s plate, clears half of it away and shoves the rest back in front of her younger sister. Technically they are foster sisters. They grew up in a foster home and when she aged out of the system, she became Lexa’s legal guardian because their bond is close. She wasn’t going to leave her younger sister behind. For the last year, Lexa has been slipping into darkness.

“Could you try to eat two bites of your food?” Anya just wants Lexa to eat something, anything at all, even if it’s only a bite or two. “You haven’t eaten in two days.” She’s worried about how her younger sister keeps slipping.

Lexa's eyes are cold when she meets Anya’s eyes, colder than her older sister has ever seen her eyes. “What do you care?” She spats. “Eating will not bring her back.”

“I care because I’m your big sister.” Anya’s fork is shaking in her hand. “I know that eating won’t bring her back, and I’m sorry for that, but not eating won’t bring her back either. She would hate to see you like this. She would want you to be happy.”

“Costia would want to be alive! She would want to be with me! With the color still in her cheeks, filled with warmth, alive and breathing! Not cold and dead in the ground because a drunken asshole ran her over!” Lexa moves her arm across the table. Her plate falls onto the kitchen tiles, food and all. She can hear the plate shattering. “She was mine, Anya!!” Hot tears roll down her cheeks. “It’s not fair! I should have been dead and she should have been alive!”

Anya tries not to flinch at Lexa’s words. “Lexa please, you don’t eat anymore, you don’t sleep anymore…” Her concern for her younger sister grows every day. “If you keep this up, you will end up in the hospital soon.”

“Good, maybe that will be my ticket to the morgue.”

Anya can’t bite her own tears back anymore. “Lexa please, I love you.” She hates seeing Lexa so hurt.

“I have lost everything, Anya!” Lexa had a rough youth growing up in the foster home. “Costia was mine, she was my light.”

“You haven’t lost everything, Lexa. You have me, I’m right here.”

Lexa places her head down on the table and cries. She will never see Costia smile again. She will never feel Costia’s soft lips against hers again. She will never be able to feel Costia’s warm touch or hear her voice. Costia was her life.

Anya stands up from the table. “It can’t go on like this. I’m not going to sit back and watch you die!” She can’t lose Lexa. Wordlessly, she goes to pack a suitcase for her younger sister. There is one place where Lexa can get the help she needs, now that her younger sister is still seventeen.

Lexa tries to fight against Anya’s grip on her, but her energy is drained. She can’t muster enough strength to fight her older sister off. “Let me go!! Let me go!! I’m not going there!” She doesn’t want to go to that place.

“Please, don’t fight this.” Anya whispers in Lexa’s ear. “I’m trying to help you. This is not to punish you.”

“If you love me, you won’t do this to me.”

“It is because I love you that I have to do this.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Raven doesn’t have anybody. Since her mother died, she’s been living on the streets. Sometimes she does chores for small gangs. Cops never seem to suspect her when she’s selling drugs. The last weeks everything took a turn for the worse and she began to use drugs as well. Each chance she gets, she smokes. She reached the point where she can’t go without it anymore, and now she’s indebted with some gang. It has been a while that she’s been stealing from the dealer who had ordered her to sell drugs so she could earn some money.

Clients had told on her that she didn’t deliver everything they had paid for. Now she’s running down the streets. Everything feels blurry. She took a bunch of pills. She’s not even sure what she took. In a few months she’ll be eighteen. This life on the streets is not what she wanted. People treat her like dirt, like someone they spit on. When she was younger she had a dream to become an engineer, but that dream shattered into pieces.

Nothing ever goes right. She runs from one street into another, trying to stay away from the angry gang who wants money that she doesn’t have. If she can’t pay them, they’ll break her legs. She doesn’t need that. She’s already lumping a little from a wrench that had been thrown right below her kneecap, as a gang member chased her on a motorcycle. In a dumb decision, she had picked the wrench up and threw it back, hitting him over the head and making him steer into a tree.

If they get to her now, they might kill her. She runs and ends up in an alley with a dead end. Shit. She grabs another handful of pills and pops them into her mouth. If she can numb herself enough, she might not feel much when they beat her up.

A motorcycle pulls up in front of the alley. The gang member who hops off the motorcycle is holding a baseball bat. He has a wicked grin on his face as he taps the baseball bat threatingly in one of his hands, while stepping closer towards Raven.

Raven doesn’t feel much at the moment. Everything she took is numbing her. She knows what’s going to follow now. She slides down against the brick wall. When the man takes a swing at her with the baseball bat, she protectively holds her arms above her head. The baseball bat hits her arms hard and she knows it’s going to be an ugly bruise.

When the man is about to take another swing at her, she knows this impact will be bigger and she won’t walk away from this with a bruise. It’s doubtful she’ll be able to walk away from this at all.

“Hey, stop!” A man shouts from behind them. “Hold your hands up in the air!”

Everything is blurry for Raven when the gang member runs and another man approaches her. No shit, it’s a cop. That’s worse. She tries to swat his hand away as he takes her wallet and looks at her passport. This will be bad, she knows she’s not eighteen yet and she’s not supposed to live on the streets.

The cop finds a bunch of the drugs Raven has on her. He smiles warmly at her, but she knows better than to trust a cop. Cops are all the same, they’ll just want to put her away in some foster home.

“I will get you help.” The cop picks Raven up before she can protest. She feels so dizzy that she can’t even do anything about it. Against her will, she’s placed into the car of the cop.

“Let me go, you kiddnapper.”

Raven keeps fading in and out during the car ride. She has no idea where the cop is taking her. Nobody ever helps her, they all lie.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia screams when Bellamy plucks her out of the car and swings her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. She pounces her fists on his back while he carries her inside the institution for troubled youth. A place called Polis, but she prefers to call it prison, because they will lock her up as if she’s a prisoner.

Bellamy is trying to hold Octavia as well as he can while filling in some papers. “I’m doing this to help you, O.” He only wants what’s best for his younger sister.

“I fucking hate you!” Octavia doesn’t want to be here. She grabs a small blade that she had been hiding. Before she can cut herself, someone snatches her blade away from her.

“I will take her from here.” The man says to Bellamy. Effortlessly, he takes Octavia over from Bellamy.

“Let me go!”

“Hello, my name is Lincoln.” The man says. “If you can follow me calmly, I will not have to carry you.”

The man who goes over the papers with Bellamy calls out for a woman. “Indra, can you take Octavia’s suitcase and go with Lincoln to bring everything to her room? Oh and check her, take away everything that she could use to cut herself with.”

“I will be right on it, Kane.”

Octavia hates them all. They are all plotting against her and locking her up like a prisoner. She screams while Lincoln takes her to a room, while Indra follows with her suitcase. Her anger increases when they take away all her blades and pieces of glass that she had.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke is tumbling out of the car when her mother opens the door. Her mother really did it she really brought her to Polis. No, this isn’t right. She shouldn’t be here.

Abby struggles to get Clarke inside with her suitcase. She is doing this for the right reasons.

“Nooo, I wannaaa goo homeee.” Clarke slurs. “Gimmme a drink, comeee oooon.”

The man who is helping Abby with the papers introduces himself as Kane. He watches as Indra and Lincoln walk back in. “Indra and Lincoln, we have another one who needs a room. Her name is Clarke.” Drinking is not allowed here in Polis. He looks at Abby. “Your daughter will be sober soon and we will help her with her problems.”

Clarke is slurring and trying to push Lincoln away from her. He doesn’t seem hostile, but she doesn’t belong here. She won’t let him take her away. From the corner of her eyes she sees two girls walking in. Well one of them is being dragged along. The one who is being dragged glares at her like she hates her.

“Whaaaat youuu waaaant!?” Clarke tries to move closer to the girl. “Youuu wan piece of me.” Her words are not flowing out of her mouth the way she wants them to. She balls her fists and holds them out in front of her. “C’mere I’lll ta-take youuu.”

Surprisingly the girl actually listens and angrily moves like she’s about to hit her.

It doesn’t happen when Indra and Lincoln prevent the two new girls from fighting.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Lexa, let go of the door.” Anya pleads. “You need help, we’re already here. Get out of my car.”

Lexa clamps harder to the door. “I am not going to this hellhole.” She grits her teeth.

“Polis is the best place to help you.”

“No!” Lexa spats. “This place is hell and I already live in a hell as it is! Leave me alone!”

Anya wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist and pulls her out of the car. She ignores her younger sister trying to escape from her grip. When she enters the building to sign Lexa up, there seems to be someone else being signed up as well. Oh god no, it’s a drunk person.

Lexa glares at the drunk blonde who’s slurring. It’s thanks to someone like the blonde that Costia is dead. Drunken people are dangerous and reckless, they ruin lives, and they kill people. How can that blonde ask for a drink? She’s already beyond drunk. All she can do is glare at the blonde with pure hate. When the blonde snaps at her, rage fills her.

Lexa roughly pulls away from Anya and moves to make her way to the blonde. She’s being stopped by people from Polis. A woman picks her up as if she weighs nothing and she’s being carried away. “Anya!! Do not let them do this!” This is not how she imagined Anya to take her role as her guardian. “I trusted you!” The last thing she sees from Anya is her teary face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The cop pulls up at a big building and opens the door for Raven. “We are here, I’ll get you help. Hop out.” His voice is friendly, but Raven will never trust him.

Raven gets out of the car. She looks at the building. Polis. What the fuck kind of place is this? She wants to make a run for it, but the cop stops her. “Let me go, kidnapper. People will know you kidnapped me and you’ll be in trouble.”

The cop says nothing in return and walks Raven into the building. He talks with a man, she hears the man telling the cop his name is Kane. What follows is a blur of words.

When a big guy approaches her, she holds her fists up to defend herself. “Don’t come any closer, stranger.” She knows he’s much bigger, but at least she could try to deck him.

“My name is Lincoln.” He smiles warmly at her. “You must be Raven.” He points at a woman close to him. “This is Indra.”

“Four in one day.” Indra comments. “That is rare.”

Raven has no idea what they’re talking about. Four what? She’s being grabbed by Indra and Lincoln. As they walk her further into the building, she feels like she might be in some sort of prison now. Is this it? Is she a criminal now?

Lincoln opens a room and shows it to Raven.

 

“Whoa.” Raven looks around with wide eyes. “Two beds, a desk and a closet?” It’s been a while since she had any of those things. 

“There is also one mutual room with a television.” Lincoln informs her. “We will bring you some clothes.” He closes her room again. “Here is your key.” He hands Raven a key. “I will show you where the bathrooms are.”

“Uh, why are there two beds? Is there like a roommate?”

“Yes, sometimes.” Lincoln replies with a polite smile. “Unless the girls fight with each other. You are allowed to have a roommate, as long as there will be no issues.”

Raven is relieved when they no longer hold her to walk her around. It seemed very excessive that they were both holding her at first.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The children under eighteen who are staying in Polis with issues have gathered in one of the biggest rooms where they can watch television. Kane, Indra and Lincoln are supervising.

Octavia is sitting on a couch with her legs pulled up under her knees. They took her coping mechanisms away. All she needs is something small so she can cut. As long as they don’t give her that, she’ll pick at the cuts she does have to keep reopening them. They can’t take her control away from her. It’s her body. She watches as a girl slumps down next to her.

Raven looks at the girl next to her who is staring at her arms, covered up by her sleeves. “Hey, I’m Raven.” She holds one hand out, not so sure what she’ll be doing here.

Octavia’s eyes drop down to Raven’s hand. “I’m Octavia, or just O.” She shakes Raven’s hand. “Did they drag you in here too?”

“A cop brought me here. What about you?”

Octavia’s face turns cold. “My brother brought me here, no scratch that, he dragged me in here, against my will.” She is angry that Bellamy betrayed her like that.

A blond sits down next to them, rubbing both hands against her temples.

“Ah fuck.” Clarke mutters to herself. “My skull hurts.”

“Hey, I’m Raven.” Raven says to the blonde. “And she’s Octavia. Who are you?”

“I’m Clarke.”

Octavia looks at Clarke. “Who dragged you here?”

Clarke scoffs at the question. “My mother.” She can’t believe her mother is doing this to her. This place won’t even let her drink one damn glass.

“At least you have one.” Octavia mutters under her breath. Clarke didn’t hear, but Raven did.

Raven reaches out for Octavia’s hand. “I’ve been living on the streets, I know this won’t sound like much, but for what it’s worth, I know what it’s like.” It sucks for Octavia that she doesn’t have her mother anymore.

Octavia squeezes Raven’s hand in response. “Thanks.” She mumbles quickly.

A girl with the iciest look possible on her face approaches them, or more particularly Clarke.

Lexa points her finger at Clarke. “You.” She sneers.

Clarke groans at her headache. “I’m sorry that I was challenging you, I just… I wasn’t thinking.” She offers the brunette an apologetic look. “It wasn’t personal.”

“Not personal!?” Lexa feels herself snap more. “Costia would have loved to hear how it was not personal for that man to mow her over! It was all not personal, right? It is just the alcohol, right? That makes everything completely okay! Why don’t we all drink and do reckless things and get away with them!?”

Kane, Indra and Lincoln are tensing to interrupt any second now.

Clarke is startled at the brunette reacting so heavily. “I… uh, we got off on the wrong foot, I’m Clarke.” She holds her hand out to the brunette.

Lexa clenches her jaw. She ignores Clarke’s hand. “Lexa.” She takes a deep breath.

Clarke, Octavia and Raven scoot over a bit as Lexa sits down next to them.

Lexa is sitting directly next to Clarke. She clenches her fists and unclenches them again. It’s difficult to be here with someone who likes to drink a lot. Anya should have never brought her here. All her sister did was moving her from one hell into an even worse hell.

Clarke, Lexa, Octavia and Raven can feel the eyes of their supervisors burning on them.

 


	2. Leave me alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet Ontari. 
> 
> Once again, trigger warnings. In particular for cutting and blood.

Everyone is watching some television in silence when a girl walks up to Clarke, Lexa, Octavia and Raven. She blocks their view.

“Uh hi.” Raven says while lightly groaning. “You’re blocking our view.”

The girl flashes them a smile that spells trouble. “You’re all new meat.” She eyes them one by one. “I’m Ontari. One thing you should know, since you’re new, is to never cross me.”

“What the fuck?” Clarke replies with disgust. “I’m not going to let you play the boss, so piss off.” She’s already annoyed enough to be here as it is.

“Yeah, what she said.” Raven chimes in. “Get out of the way.” She just wants to sit here in peace. It’s bad enough that she doesn’t have anything to smoke.

Ontari waves her hand and another girl shows up next to her. “This is my friend, Echo. I’m giving you all an important tip when I say not to cross us.”

Lexa stands up and crosses her arms over her chest. “Or else what?” She doesn’t like Ontari’s attitude.

Ontari threatingly glares at Lexa. “Or else I’ll cut you.”

Lexa doesn’t even flinch. Her stoicism remains. A troublemaker like Ontari won’t scare her. She has nothing to fear because she has nothing to lose. The only way to hurt her would be through Anya and she isn’t here.

Octavia’s eyes widen. She can feel her arms aching, begging to be cut again. If Ontari can cut her and all she has to do is cross the girl, then she’ll have to cross her. She stands up and steps into Ontari’s personal space.

Lexa sighs silently as Octavia stands next to her. What is she doing? Why is the younger girl stepping closer to Ontari? She wonders what’s going on with everyone who is here. She knows why Anya brought her here, but she doesn’t know why everyone else is here. Well, aside from Clarke who clearly loves to drink a lot. Octavia looks so small.

Raven and Clarke stand up next to Octavia and Lexa.

Ontari growls. “Newbies sticking together huh?” She scoffs. “That won’t help you.”

“Girls that is enough!” Indra warns. She walks up to them and breaks them apart. She faces Ontari and Echo. “Remember your anger management you two. The other girls here are not your enemies. I will see you both tomorrow in my office for your next therapy session.”

Octavia is disappointed when she sits back down. She hoped Ontari would have something she can use to cut herself with. Not that she’ll give up now. No, she can be creative. This place had no right to take all her blades and everything.

Raven looks at Octavia, Clarke and Lexa. “Do any of you have a roommate?” She doesn’t have one, but perhaps they do.

“I don’t have one.” Octavia replies. “They said I can have one if I get along with someone.”

“I don’t have one either.” Clarke says. “Not that it matters I’m fine on my own.”

Lexa only shakes her head. She’s not here to talk with people.

Raven scratches the back of her head. “Would you like to be my roommate, Octavia?” It could be nice to have someone around her in this strange unfamiliar place. Sleeping in an actual bed will feel good, but she will miss the streets.

Octavia nods shyly. “Okay.” In this place a roommate can be nice.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Time for everyone to go to their rooms.” Indra announces. “We will expect you all in the morning. Tomorrow after breakfast, the group sessions will begin.”

Lexa’s head is dipped down when she walks towards her room. She doesn’t like the idea of group sessions. If Anya thinks that this place will help her, she’s very wrong. Being here doesn’t make Costia’s dead okay. Costia is gone and nothing can bring her back. She lies down on the bed and stares up at the ceiling.

Clarke moves to her room, which is right next to Lexa’s. Great, next to the girl who hates her because they began on the wrong foot. At least it’s not next to Ontari’s, so that counts for something. The moment she shuts the door, she bawls her eyes out. She misses her dad so much, it hurts. Now she doesn’t have any alcohol to drink the pain away.

Octavia follows Raven into the room she’ll be staying at.

Lincoln does a quick checkup, before closing each door. He hands Raven some pajamas.

Raven mumbles a quick thanks. Maybe this place won’t be so bad for her, but that’s only for the bed, the clothes and who knows, maybe even the food.

Octavia shrugs her shirt with sleeves off so she can put her pajamas on. She can hear Raven gasp. When she turns around, Raven is right up in her space. What the hell? Why is Raven even staring at her?

Raven knows now why Octavia must be here. “Did you do all of that to yourself?” She’s shocked. In her years she’s seen plenty of people with wounds, but never self-inflicted ones.

“It’s nothing.” Octavia hurries to put her pajamas on. “Just forget about it.” She prefers to hide her cuts.

“Why have you done that to yourself?”

Octavia sits down on the matrass of the bed she’ll be sleeping on. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She’s not here to pour her heart out.

Raven sits down next to Octavia. She places a hand on the younger girl’s knee. They sit like that for a while, until she feels Octavia trailing her index finger up her arm. She wants to learn, to understand why Octavia would do such a thing to herself.

“Do you think my arms are ugly?” Octavia knows that some people are disgusted by scars and all that. “I know that my skin definitely isn’t perfect, I have scars.” Not perfect is an understatement. Her arms aren’t the only place with scars and cuts that are still healing.

“Octavia, your arms aren’t ugly.” Raven points her finger at Octavia’s chest. “We all have scars, in there.” She knows that everyone has their own pain they’re dealing with.

Octavia pushes Raven down on the matrass and stares into her eyes. “Do you think I’m pretty?” She hopes Raven will answer her honestly.

Raven’s eyes take Octavia in. She’s nervous because the younger girl is hovering over her. “You’re young and beautiful.” Someone like Octavia shouldn’t need to be reassured of that, but maybe she wants to be.

Octavia manages a small smile. “You’re beautiful too.” She moves away and crawls under the covers of her bed.

“I can’t remember when the last time was that I slept in a bed.” Raven mumbles, more to herself than to Octavia. “I don’t know about you, but to me these beds feel very luxurious. It’s like being at a hotel.”

“What was it like to grow up on the streets?”

Raven turns around on the matrass to look at Octavia, who’s in the bed next to hers. “If I tell you a bit about me, can you tell me a bit about you?”

“Hmm.” Octavia thinks about it. “That sounds look a fair compromise. Okay, I agree.”

“Growing up on the streets was rough. I got in touch with the wrong people, and ended up doing the wrong things. When my mom wasn’t there anymore, it was just me on my own. I did what I had to do to survive. I sold drugs and recently I began to use some as well. When I was about to have my ass beaten for the millionth time, a cop showed up and he took me here.” She sighs that she got caught by a cop. “I always managed to stay out of the cops’ way, until today.”

Octavia props herself up on her elbow. She can see the frame of Raven’s body under the sheets. “If that cop wouldn’t have found you, you would have been beaten. That’s what you’re saying, right?” She tries to picture Raven about to receive a beating and a cop showing up.

“It wouldn’t be the first time, I’m used to it.” Raven readjusts the sheets. “Okay, your turn.”

Octavia picks at a scab on her arm. “When my mom died, I just…I couldn’t take it and I still can’t. I needed a way to cope, a way to live with pain. My brother wanted me to stop or he’d take me here, but I couldn’t stop, I just can’t do that. He doesn’t understand, nobody ever understands. My brother brought me here and they took everything from me.” She scratches her arm, trying to feel something different than the pain inside.

Raven and Octavia fall into silence shortly after that, and eventually fall asleep.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa can’t sleep. Not that it matters. When she closes her eyes, she has nightmares. In her nightmares, she sees Costia being hit by that drunk driver. It’s the same each time. The streets are dimly lit. Costia is walking on the sidewalk, happily smiling, being her beautiful self. She is one street away and watches as Costia walks. Then a car is swaying over the street. She runs and runs until she can’t breathe, trying to get to Costia, but she never gets there on time. Each time the drunk driver hits her. If she closes her eyes, she’ll wake up gasping for air. She feels helpless.

Clarke is angry because she can feel all the pain. Her dad is gone, forever. It’s not fair. She wants to drink and forget, but she doesn’t have a single drop in this place. Tears stream down her cheeks, more and more. She screams and slams her fists against the wall. Even though her knuckles hurt, she keeps banging onto the wall.

“Stop banging on the wall!” Lexa shouts. She’s annoyed by the loud intruding noise. “I am trying to rest!” She may not be sleeping, but she wants silence.

Clarke slams the wall again. “Leave me alone!”

“You are the one who is banging onto the wall!!” Lexa doesn’t like Clarke. That blonde keeps getting on her nerves. “Why don’t you leave me alone!?” When she hears another slam, she kicks her foot up against the wall.

Clarke keeps hitting the wall with her fists while Lexa keeps kicking her foot against the wall as an angry response. They keep doing that until their doors are being opened.

Lincoln tries to calm Lexa down. “Take a deep breath and concentrate on my voice.” His voice is warm and soft.

Lexa sits down on the bed. “Go away, Lincoln.” Why can’t people leave her alone? She hears Clarke shouting at Kane in the other room.

Lincoln holds his hands up while he slowly approaches Lexa. He sits down next to her, with a small space in between them.

Lexa zones out while she vaguely hears Lincoln telling her how to breathe. Clarke’s noise in the other room has turned into broken sobs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When it’s morning, Lexa walks out of her room. She makes her way to the big bathroom. It has ten sinks, all next to each other in a row with mirrors above them. There are iron bars in front of the mirrors. That’s weird. On the other side there are ten stalls with showers.

Lexa is holding her beauty bag with small items in it such as her comb, a nail clipper, her toothbrush, her razor and other little things, the usual. It’s frustrating to look into the mirror when those bars trouble the view. Maybe that’s for the best. She doesn’t recognize herself when she looks into the mirror. Her eyes have darkened and she looks like a ghost of the girl she used to be.

So far the bathroom seems to be empty, aside from Lexa. She places her products near the sink. When everything is placed next to the sink she selects, she walks over to a shower to go and turn the water on just a bit. When she’s turning the knob, she hears the sound of someone running in and a door slams shut.

Startled, Lexa walks back to the sink where she placed her things. She doesn’t see anyone. When she looks at her things, her razor is gone. Son of a bitch, who touched her stuff? Her jaw is clenched. She walks along the shower stalls and hears water running. On the ground there are clothes. She stops in front of the shower stall. The person in there must have taken her razor. Nobody is allowed to touch her things.

A muffled scream escapes from Octavia’s mouth as an angry Lexa kicks the door open of the shower stall she’s in. When she entered this bathroom, she was thinking of a way to get to the glass, despite the bars around the mirrors. If she could just get one small piece, it would be enough. She didn’t expect to find a razor, so when she saw it she eagerly took it and hurried into the nearest shower stall.

Octavia’s thigh is bleeding from where she has cut herself. She isn’t done with this razor yet. The water that goes down the drain is mixed with some of her blood.

Lexa's lips are pursed together. Her eyes drop down to the younger girl’s bleeding thigh. The girl, Octavia, she remembers. Her eyes hurriedly scan Octavia from head to toe, so many scars, and so many cuts. The younger girl does that to herself?

Octavia’s heart is racing in her chest. She can feel Lexa’s eyes burning into every inch of her body. Deeply embarrassed, she tries to hide herself with her arms as much as she can. “Stop looking at me, I know I’m disgusting.” She clenches the razor in her hand.

“You’re not disgusting.” Lexa wonders how Octavia can think that. “You look beautiful.”

“Is that your way of trying to make me feel better? Because it doesn’t.”

Lexa’s cold and darkened eyes lock with Octavia’s eyes. “I was telling you the truth. I didn’t say it to make you feel better.” That’s not something she does. “I would have nothing to gain if I would lie to you about such a thing, and I don’t comfort people.”

Octavia still feels ashamed. “You walked in on me, get out.” She doesn’t want anyone in here.

Lexa holds her palm out towards Octavia. “You have my razor, give it back.” When Octavia doesn’t make a move to hand it back, she drops her hand to her side and takes a step closer, backing the younger girl up against the wall. “Your thigh is bleeding. Why do you hurt yourself like that?”

Octavia’s tears are drowned out by the water of the shower. The wall feels cold against her naked skin. Did Lexa seriously have to walk in while she’s naked? “You wouldn’t understand. Nobody does.” She sees that Lexa isn’t moving. Those green eyes pierce through her, making her nervous. “I need to cope with the pain. Losing someone it… it hurts like hell.”

Lexa bites her bottom lip and nods slowly. “It does hurt, a lot.” She knows that feeling. “It is pain that feels like it will never end. Pain that consumes you whole, spits you out and chews you up all over again. It lingers inside and breaks your walls down.”

Octavia is breathing unevenly. “The girl you talked about… the things you said yesterday. That’s why you seem angry towards Clarke, because you’re hurt.” She believes she understands a little why Lexa appears so hostile when it comes down to the blonde.

Lexa’s nails are digging into her skin. “Costia was mine and now she’s gone.” On the inside she’s screaming so loud, but nobody can hear her scream. She stiffens when Octavia’s arms wrap around her.

Octavia’s heart is pounding while she’s hugging Lexa. She just… she wanted to do something, to help somehow. Sometimes a hug can mean more than a thousand words. “Life can really suck, huh?” She’s not going to spout words around like how it will get better.

Lexa pushes Octavia away and pins the younger girl against the wall. She can hear the light yelp from Octavia’s throat.

Octavia thinks that Lexa might kill her for hugging her. She shouldn’t have done that. She shouldn’t have invaded Lexa’s personal space like that. Those cold green eyes… She shuts her eyes to avoid Lexa’s strong gaze.

Lexa studies Octavia’s face and the rest of the younger girl’s body. She registers that Octavia is naked. Okay, but she just wanted her razor back. What will happen to the younger girl if they find out she cut herself? This place probably has some rule for that. Now she knows why there are bars in front of the mirrors.

Octavia can feel Lexa’s hands wrapping around her wrists. The razor she had been holding in her hand is being taken from her. She opens her eyes and looks at Lexa.

Lexa freezes when Octavia leans forward and kisses her. She weaves her hands through the younger girl’s hair and kisses her back. The water has soaked her clothes. At least she is wearing clothes, unlike Octavia. Okay not that it’s the younger girl’s fault she’s under the shower after all.

Octavia pulls away to breathe. “I just… I had to do that.” She bites her lip hard. Lexa looks a bit scary because of her icy demeanor, but she’s beautiful.

Lexa traces her index finger across Octavia’s lips until she stops biting. She cuts a piece of her shirt off with her razor and bends down to wrap it around the younger girl’s thigh.

Octavia panics as realization sinks in. “Please don’t tell anyone.” She doesn’t want the people in Polis to put her in a special room. “I don’t want to lose the little bit of freedom that I still have.”

Lexa swallows hard. “I won’t tell anyone if you help me at breakfast.” She’s not hungry and she knows they will make a fuss about it if she doesn’t even touch her plate.

“How can I help you at breakfast? Do you want some of mine? I… I could give you… half?”

Lexa shakes her head. “I want you to eat my breakfast for me.” If she’s given a small portion, Octavia should be able to eat hers as well.

Octavia is taken aback by Lexa’s words. “Y-you don’t eat?” She takes Lexa in and wonders if she’s anorexic.

“I eat when I am hungry, and I am not hungry.”

“Well uh okay.” Octavia turns the shower off. “I’ll finish up and then we can go, and I’ll eat your breakfast. You really won’t tell anyone?”

“For this time.” Lexa doesn’t want Octavia to keep hurting herself. It would be wrong to help the younger girl hide something like that. “Yes.” She pins Octavia against the wall and kisses her.

Octavia’s eyes follow Lexa as she walks away, the water from her clothes dripping onto the tiles.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Raven walks through the hall dressed in clothes she had been given. She feels poorer than she has ever felt. They need to give everything to her. The only thing she has that belongs to her is her body and the ripped clothes she had been wearing yesterday when she arrived here. They took her clothes from her and said they’ll be washed, but that they should be thrown away since they’re worn out. She refuses to let them throw her clothes away, so she will be expecting them back.

Clarke is slumping out of her room. Her eyes are red from crying. She bumps into someone so hard that they both fall down onto the ground. “Shit, dammit.” Without alcohol falling is miserable.

“What the fuck, Clarke?” Raven looks at the blonde. “You should watch where you’re going.”

“Fuck.” Clarke gets up on her feet and holds her hand out to Raven. “I’m sorry. My eyes hurt and I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Raven allows Clarke to help her up and pulls her hand away fast. “I’m invisible, it’s fine.” People always bump into her or knock her over.

“You’re not invisible.”

“Says the one who knocked me over.”

Clarke rubs her eyes, which only makes them hurt more. “I already said I’m sorry, okay? Can you just leave me alone, this place is bad enough already without anything to drink.”

“This place ain’t so bad, but I’d definitely want a smoke.” Raven runs her hand along the back of her head. Clarke bumped into her quite roughly. “I know what it’s like to want something that they’re denying you, it sucks.”

“Hmm yeah.” Clarke murmurs. “Why did you say you’re invisible?” Her curiosity is getting the best of her.

“People always bump into me or knock me over. I’m used to it.” Raven shrugs her shoulders and drops her hand. “I might as well be invisible. I’m just a nobody from the streets.”

Clarke lets out a raspy laugh. “You’re kidding, right?” she takes a good look at Raven. “You’re hot, definitely not invisible at all. You must’ve hit your head pretty hard when I knocked you over.”

Raven grins. “It depends. You were falling for me after you knocked me over.” She mocks, knowing that Clarke couldn’t help falling down with her.

“Is that supposed to be a pickup line?”

“If it works, it is and if it doesn’t work then it’s not.”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Where did you pick that one up?”

There’s a playful smirk on Raven’s face. “On the streets.” That’s where she got most things from.

“Hmm, rebel from the streets.” Clarke replies approvingly. “I dig it.”

“So I’m a rebel now huh?”

“If that’s a good thing, then you are and if it isn’t a good thing then you’re not.”

Raven holds her arm out towards Clarke. “Wanna get out of here and grab some breakfast?” They have to go and eat breakfast now anyway.

Clarke links her arm with Raven. “Yeah, it’s not like I got anything better to do.” She’s guessing they don’t have vodka or anything to go with the breakfast.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia and Lexa are sitting at a table, directly next to each other, to make it easier for Octavia to empty Lexa’s plate for her.

There are two pieces of toast on their plates and an apple. There's strawberry jam and butter in front of them.

Lexa shifts her eyes between Lincoln, who is standing near the door and her plate.

Octavia eats her first piece of toast. It’s not that bad. Once she finishes it, she waits until Lincoln isn’t looking at them and snatches one of Lexa’s plate.

“You’re not going to eat that?” Raven whispers, deliberately keeping her voice low. She has just approached with Clarke.

Lexa’s head snaps up at the intruders behind her. She glares at Clarke. “You again.” Her nails dig into her skin. She feels Octavia’s hand gently slipping in hers and stroking her thumb in small circles on her hand.

Clarke sighs deeply. “I get that you don’t like me. If I can just sit here and eat in peace and silence, I won’t even look at you.” She doesn’t want any trouble.

Lexa pulls her hand away from Octavia. “Fine, sit.” If Clarke keeps her mouth shut it should be okay.

Raven sits down in front of Octavia, leaving Clarke to sit down in front of Lexa.

Clarke tries really hard to stick to her words and to not look at Lexa. When she fails doing so, she sees that the brunette is staring at her. It would be easier if Lexa wouldn’t be so breathtakingly beautiful.

Raven moans when she tastes the food. “Oh god, yes, this is so good.” She shrugs when Lexa, Octavia and Clarke stare at her. “I was living on the streets, eating scraps here and there, for me this is like a five star meal.”

Octavia laughs when Raven keeps making small moaning sounds. “Do you want some of mine?” She holds her plate out. With four pieces of toast, she can miss one easily.

Raven eagerly accepts. “Thanks.” She chomps down on the toast. She’s barely chewing on it.

Clarke has a mandarin on her plate. She peels it and holds one of the slices out to Lexa. “Would you like some?” She just wants to be friendly. “We could be in here for quite a while.”

Lexa looks at the unbelievably annoying blonde who is wiggling the piece of mandarin in front of her mouth. Why is Clarke looking at her with those sky blue eyes? “This does not make us friends.” She takes it from the blonde’s hand and puts it in her mouth.

The four of them fall into a conversation. Lexa doesn’t say much, compared to the others.

Clarke keeps giving pieces of her mandarin to Lexa, who keeps accepting them. She’s happy to see the brunette eating, after seeing how Octavia was eating her breakfast for her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The girls can tell that what each does is damaging and such, but for themselves it's another story...  
> For example with Lexa, she knows it's bad that Octavia cuts herself, but she doesn't acknowledge the fact that not eating is damaging as well. 
> 
> Clarke is already watching a bit after the precious cinnamon roll.


	3. Being protective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, trigger warnings.

Lincoln walks up to Clarke, Lexa, Octavia and Raven with a big smile on his face. “Follow me girls, you will have your first group therapy session.” He chuckles as they groan in complaint.

Raven stands up. “Alright, let’s follow this friendly giant.” She grabs Octavia’s hand and Clarke’s hand.

Clarke is tempted to reach out for Lexa’s hand, but she decides against it. She blushes when she feels Raven kissing her neck. Raven is such a tease, although she did deserve that after the things she said earlier. Flirting is a lot of fun when she drinks, and apparently it can be fun while being sober as well.

Octavia grabs Lexa’s hand and tugs her along. She’s not sure what the brunette means to her or what she means to Lexa, but there is something. Perhaps they’re somewhat friends, friends who kissed. It doesn’t have to be more than that.

Lexa eyes Clarke, Octavia and Raven warily as they’re all kissing each other’s cheeks and necks like puppies in love. Hah, love. There is no such thing as love. Dreamers love, and they get crushed. What’s happening isn’t love, it’s supposed to be fun. She wouldn’t feel anything anyway.

Raven is surprised when Lexa grasps her wrist, pulls her close and kisses her. Okay damn, she might get used to this place.

Octavia is grinning widely. She winks at Lexa and Raven.

Clarke feels a light pang of jealousy when Lexa kisses Octavia and Raven, while she is being hated by the brunette. Lexa isn’t even her friend. She shouldn’t feel this way about a girl she barely knows.

Lexa keeps her eyes set on Clarke. There are things about the blonde that anger her and yet…She hoped that her actions would make her feel better, but they don’t. Seeing Clarke divert her eyes like she has been burned doesn’t feel good. She wants to hate the blonde, hate her for drinking, and hate her because of what happened to Costia. The problem is that she can’t hate Clarke. It’s not the blonde’s fault. Her pain and anger isn’t linked to Clarke.

When Lincoln turns around to look at them, they all break apart and act like nothing happened.

Ontari brushes past them, holding hands with Echo. They both bare their teeth at Clarke, Lexa, Octavia and Raven.

Kane welcomes the girls as they walk into a room. There are chairs placed in a circle and there are a bunch of canvases and things like paint.

They sit down in silence.

“Good morning, girls.” Kane stands up. “Now, I want you all to create something on a canvas. It could be something you feel inside. It doesn’t matter what it looks like, you can paint anything you want.” He gestures towards the canvases.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke dips the brush into black paint. She paints a tall tree and leaves that are scattered in mud. The tree is bending down, with a shadow casting over the leaves. Before she lost her dad, she used to draw and paint a lot, always bright and full of color. She doesn’t use color anymore when she draws and paints. Her dad is gone and so is the color in her world.

Lexa absentmindedly lets her brush flow over the canvas. She wonders why she has to do this. It’s pointless. This is a useless way of passing time.

Octavia takes the canvas right next to Lexa’s. “Hey, Lexa.” She leans closer to whisper in Lexa’s ear. “If you borrow me your razor, I will eat your lunch for you.” She’ll be so full if she eats two lunches and she’s never been that big of an eater, but if she can get her hands on that razor, she will gladly stuff some more food in her mouth.

Lexa isn’t hungry, especially not after she ate a bit at breakfast, thanks to the obnoxious beautiful blonde. “No.” She won’t do it. “I am hungry I want to eat my lunch.” She knows she’s lying, she’s not hungry. If she would say yes, Octavia would cut herself again and it would be her fault. The first time she was too late to stop her.

“Oh.” Octavia feels defeated. “Can I do something else for you? I just want to borrow it, you’ll get it back soon.” She reaches out to lightly touch Lexa’s shoulder.

Lexa swats Octavia’s hand away. “There is nothing you can do for me.” She doesn’t give the younger girl the chance to say more.

Octavia sighs when Lexa walks away.

Lexa walks up to the door where Lincoln is standing. “I need to say something, in private.” She whispers so others can’t hear.

Lincoln nods and walks Lexa out of the room.

Lexa won’t betray Octavia, she won’t say the younger girl cut herself this morning and that she was asking for her razor. So she does what she can do, lie. “I have a razor and if I keep it I know I will cut myself, because I feel like I want to.” She can’t keep her razor. As long as she has it, Octavia will keep trying to get it.

Lincoln appears surprised. “I will walk with you to your room. You can give your razor to me and I will keep it for you.” He keeps a small distance while he walks Lexa to her room.

Lexa searches through her bag and hands her razor over.

“You are doing the right thing, Lexa. This may not feel like much, but this is a small victory for you.”

Lexa huffs and says nothing. This has to be worth it. Now she lost her razor and she will have to eat her lunch. It’s difficult to eat. Everything that is basic for others is difficult. Lincoln doesn’t know what he’s talking about. This is not a victory for her. She is trying to keep Octavia from cutting herself more, without ratting her out.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia stares at Lexa as she walks back in with Lincoln. She needs to convince Lexa to borrow her razor. Her arms are aching and she can feel her thigh ache as well. The canvas in front of her is covered with red paint that she used. She wasn’t thinking when she painted. She merely smeared red paint all across it, with her hands instead of with a brush.

Raven isn’t sure what her painting is supposed to represent. She used random colors and didn’t think about it. Kane wants them all to paint, so she did. This little hotel place is nice, but she misses being out on the streets. She was free and here she’s not. Their rules are what are crossing her.

Lexa stares at Clarke’s painting, it’s all back and grey. The tree in the blonde’s painting is dying. Is that how Clarke feels inside? The painting is beautiful, the blonde clearly has a skill for art, but it’s full of pain. She peels her eyes away to look at her own painting. On the top of her canvas, she attempted to paint the sky. On the bottom of her canvas there’s the ground.

“Good job, girls.” Kane says loudly, appraising them. “I want you all to take a seat now.”

Reluctantly they sit down.

“Since the four of you are new, nobody else is here for this session. For further sessions, others will be joining you. If I say your name, you may share your story. Clarke, you may begin.”

Clarke scoffs. “What? Is this the alcoholics anonymous or some shit? This is ridiculous.” If this is what her mother wanted for her, then her mother shouldn’t have brought her here. Plenty of places do this and not a single one of them would be able to help her. She can see Lexa tensing on her chair. “Okay fine, you want my story? You can have it. My dad died, I drink to drown the pain out.” She crosses her arms. Her eyes land on Lexa again.

Kane’s expressions give nothing away. “Lexa, you may share your story.”

Lexa glares at Kane. “My story?” What a joke. “A drunk driver killed her, she is gone, forever. Now everyone keeps nagging at me because they refuse to leave me alone.” She wants to be somewhere alone and in silence. That seems to be too much to ask.

“Raven, it’s your turn.”

“Why? You want to hear all about the girl who’s been growing up on the streets? This place might not be all bad, but here I’m locked up and out there I’m free. Yeah I get it, I took some drugs, big whoop.” Raven wants to brush this off quickly. “That makes it Octavia’s turn now, huh? Can we get out of here yet, I’m starving.”

Octavia laughs. “Raven, you just ate breakfast a little while ago, and we’ll have lunch soon.” She looks at Raven who has her hair neatly in a ponytail.

“I can’t help it, I’m hungry.”

“It will be lunchtime soon.” Kane assures with a friendly smile. What is it with all the people who work in Polis and their smiles? Indra is different though, she doesn’t seem to bother with those little smiles. “Octavia, you may share your story.”

“Uh…” Octavia shifts a bit on her chair. “My mother died and I’m trying to cope with that.”

Clarke wonders what has brought Octavia in here. She can see what Lexa’s problem is and she heard what the deal with Raven is, but why is Octavia here? Losing someone doesn’t bring you to Polis, it’s certain actions that do. Hmm. She doesn’t even have to ask, Kane is already on it, apparently.

Kane takes a notebook and a pen. “How do you cope with it, Octavia?” He looks down at his notebook and scribbles something down.

“I uh…” Octavia unwittingly tugs at her sleeves, covering half of her hands with them. “I just cope, okay? People are against it and many people find it disgusting because of all the scars. It’s my body and I’m in control. I like the way it feels when a blade or a piece of glass… you won’t get it, I know you won’t. You might say you understand, but you don’t.” Her eyes fill up with tears. She looks directly at Kane. “You don’t know what it’s like to be so fucked up that you drag a blade across your own skin. You don’t understand what it’s like to cut so you can feel something, anything, other than the pain inside.”

Now Clarke knows why Octavia is here. There’s so much suffering, so much pain. Is everyone in here this hurt? This broken? She wants to help Octavia, she wants to take her pain away, and she wants the same for Lexa, Raven and everyone else who is suffering. Pain consumes people.

Raven moves her chair closer towards Octavia. The wood scrapes over the floor. She wraps her arms around the younger girl and Octavia clutches onto her chest. “Hey.” She lifts the younger girl’s chin up. “Pain sucks and hurts like hell, but…there’s more than only pain. I’m not good at this, not by a long stretch, but you wouldn’t burn your house down, would you?”

Octavia shakes her head. No, she wouldn’t burn her house down. Of course not.

“Your body is your home, O.”

Octavia wipes her tears away with her sleeve. “Thank you.” She whispers it quietly. Her voice sounds broken. Nobody has ever tried to help her like this.

Kane dismisses the girls so they can go and eat lunch. After lunch, there will be a group activity with chores.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia laces her fingers together with Raven’s fingers. Her hand feels warm and pleasant.

Raven smiles and pulls Octavia closer towards her. The younger girl tugs at her heart in all the right ways.

Clarke tries to keep a small distance from Lexa. She doesn’t want to give the brunette any reason to hate her more.

Octavia sits down next to Raven, their hands still intertwined. Maybe if Raven can stay close to her, she can push past the pain, past all the hurt. She feels at ease with the older girl.

Clarke is left with no other choice than to sit down next to Lexa. This is even worse than when she sat down in front of the brunette this morning. Her arm brushes against Lexa’s. She didn’t mean to, it just happened.

Lexa stares down at her plate. Right, she lied to Octavia and said she was hungry. Every bite feels like she is trying to swallow a brick. She can feel Clarke’s gaze lingering on her. When she turns her face, the blonde looks away.

Octavia and Raven are sitting very close to each other, nearly in each other’s lap.

Raven is moaning over the food again. “This is so good.”  She stuffs her mouth as much as she can. Her hand wraps around her cup to drink. A bit of her lemonade drips down from the corner of her mouth.

Octavia kisses the corner of Raven’s mouth and licks the drop of lemonade away. She’s blushing when she moves back onto her seat.

Lexa drops her cutlery. “Stop staring at me, Clarke.” It’s unnerving to have the blonde’s eyes on her so often.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke’s face falls. She grips her cup so hard that her lemonade spills over her hand. When she clenches her hands, she feels a hand on top of hers and then another hand, opening hers and wiping the lemonade away.

Lexa tries to keep her hands from shaking while she cleans Clarke’s hand. She feels something close to guilt. She feels like it is her fault that the blonde spilled the lemonade all over her hand. This means nothing.

Clarke dares to look at Lexa. “Thanks, I appreciate it.” She offers the brunette a faint smile, hoping that Lexa will know that she’s not her enemy.

Lexa nods slowly, her eyes not leaving Clarke’s. The blonde appears so full of color, yet her painting was so dark. It’s unfortunate that Clarke has lost her father. She knows all too well how much it hurts to lose someone. Maybe she has been a bit too harsh on the blonde. She still won’t be Clarke’s friend, but she could be a bit nicer and understanding. The blonde isn’t the drunk driver who killed Costia. She lets go of Clarke’s hand. The touch burns her.

Clarke is relieved to see that Lexa is trying to eat. She wants to say something, but she’s worried that her words would only make everything worse. For now, she will wait.

Octavia flinches slightly when Raven touches her arm. She’s conscious of her cuts. She looks at the older girl, who looks pained. “I’m sorry.” She doesn’t want to cause Raven any pain.

“You don’t have to apologize, O.” Raven takes Octavia’s hand in hers and gives her a reassuring comforting squeeze. “We’ll get through this together. I’m sorry if I hurt your arm.”

Octavia leans her head against Raven’s shoulder. She can see Lincoln standing near the door, smiling at them, before tearing his eyes away to look at others.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Well, well, well.” Ontari shows up next to their table. “If it isn’t the dumb blonde, the stupid brunette and the two idiotic love birds.” She grabs the nearest cup and empties it above Clarke’s head.

“What the hell!?” Clarke shouts. Her anger is boiling. Before she has the chance to react, Lexa is on top of Ontari.

“Get off of me!!”

Lexa keeps Ontari down on the floor. “You will never touch any of us again.” She balls her fist and holds it threateningly above Ontari’s head. “Attack them, and you attack me.” Back when she lived in a foster home, she was always protective when it came down to others. Now that she’s here with Clarke, Raven and Octavia, she feels protective over them too. She didn’t know that side of her still existed until Ontari poured that cup over Clarke’s head. When that happened, something in her snapped and she was on top of Ontari in less than a second.

Clarke stares open mouthed at what Lexa did and what she said. She doesn’t get the chance to respond, Lincoln is trying to peel Lexa off of Ontari. It all happened so fast.

Lexa relaxes and allows Lincoln to pull her away, while baring her teeth at Ontari.

Ontari is screaming in anger when Indra and Kane take her away to a private room, to let her cool down for a while.

Lincoln is whispering to Lexa and trying to talk her down. He saw it happening.

Lexa sits back down at the table. Clarke, Octavia and Raven are looking at her.

Clarke squeezes Lexa’s knee. “Thank you, for stepping up for me. You didn’t have to do that, but it’s kind of you that you did.” Her voice is low and husky. She can feel the cold liquid dripping down her hair.

“It was not for you.” Lexa knows that truthfully it kind of was for Clarke. That was what snapped her. “I did this for all of us. I will not give Ontari an inch.” She won’t let anyone mess with them. They were not troubling anyone, yet Ontari sought out trouble with them.

Octavia glances at Raven. “Is it so obvious that Raven and I are-”

Clarke cuts Octavia off. “Yes, it’s very obvious. You two are clinging together all the time, it is sickly sweet and it would be surprising if there’s someone here who doesn’t know.” She smiles at them. “I’m going to take a shower, to get the lemonade out of my hair.”

Lexa follows Clarke with her eyes until she is gone. Her actions, what she did… She is showing feelings again. She hates feelings. It weakens her. Seeing Ontari pour that cup over Clarke’s head was too much. Her instincts took over. She did what she had to do. Ontari may have a lot of anger, but she can stand her ground.

Echo makes her way to their table. “I saw what you did.” She sneers at Lexa. “You won’t get away with this.”

Raven glares at Echo. “Hey listen, how about you-” She stops talking when Lexa holds her hand up to silence her and to say something.

“You walk over here and you seek trouble.” Lexa’s eyes coldly meet Echo’s. “I have not wronged you, neither have my people.” Her voice doesn’t waver.

“Your people?” Echo scoffs. “You’re delusional. They’re not your people. You say you haven’t wronged me, but you have, from the moment you and your little friends walked in here, you wronged me.”

“I dislike my presence here as much as you do.” Lexa stands up, her face only inches away from Echo’s. “Your hostility is not welcome. I suggest you go back to your table.”

Echo works her jaw. She backs away when Lincoln approaches them. “This is not over yet.” Her voice is filled with venom and hate.

Lexa sits down again. Octavia leans all the way over the table to whisper in her ear. “If you let me borrow your razor, I will do anything you want, please, only for ten minutes and then I’ll give it back. I need it to shave my legs.”

Lexa raises an eyebrow. “How naïve do you think I am, Octavia?” She knows better. “I caught you this morning and you believe me to buy that line? Even if I were to make a deal with you, I do not have a razor anymore.”

Octavia doesn’t like the words that Lexa is whispering back to her. She can feel Raven tugging at her clothes to sit down again, but she isn’t done yet. “What do you mean you don’t have a razor anymore?”

Lexa inhales a sharp breath. “I was not allowed to keep it.” It feels like the best answer to give. When she lied to Lincoln, she knew he wouldn’t let her keep her razor. She lied so Octavia wouldn’t be able to ask her anymore. This morning she covered for the younger girl, but that will stop now. She will not mask how Octavia hurts herself. If she had been faster this morning, she would have not let the younger girl hurt herself. She will live with Lincoln assuming she thought about hurting herself. Not that it matters, she is already in this institution.

Octavia’s eyes widen. That razor was her chance to have something, her little grip on control. When Raven questions her about what she said to Lexa, she simply shrugs. “Don’t worry, babe.” She kisses the older girl’s cheek. “I’m fine.”

Raven sighs in disbelief. “You don’t have to lie to me, O.” She can see that Octavia is hurting.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke cries when she’s in the shower. Not because of what Ontari that, but for other reasons. Everything inside is hurting. It’s difficult without alcohol to ease her pain. What Lexa did for her was unexpected. Sure the brunette said it wasn’t for her, but it felt like it was. People don’t put other people down on the ground simply for pouring liquid over someone’s head. What Lexa did was defensive and being protective. Even if she should believe the brunette’s words that would mean that it still was at least a bit for her too.

She heard Lexa, word for word. The brunette said it clearly that if Ontari attacks them, they are attacking her. She thought Lexa hated her, or definitely strongly disliked her. So this is it then? Lexa, Octavia and Raven must be her friends. They have been sticking together since they arrived, so it wouldn’t be so strange.

When she steps out of the shower, she hurries to put fresh clothes on. Her hair is still dripping a bit when she walks back to the table. Lunch seems to be over now. When she watches the table, the first thing she sees is green. Lexa’s green eyes, which remind her of the forest and hope, remind her of freedom that she doesn’t have. She closes her eyes. Green, green, green.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa is being protective.


	4. Helping hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls are starting to help each other a bit more. 
> 
> Raven helps Octavia to cope. 
> 
> Clarke tries to help Lexa.

Octavia is watering plants with Raven in the garden. It’s all closed off with gates. Running would be pointless anyway, but that doesn’t mean she’s not tempted to try.

Raven is eyeing the gates. She sees a security camera near the gates. Hmm interesting, if she finds out where she can shut that down and then gets out some night, she could crawl over the gates and run away. While living on the street, she picked up a lot. This stay won’t be long term. Eventually she’ll turn eighteen anyway and then she won’t be under anyone’s control.

“My brother and I were talking about getting a dog once.” There’s a hint of sadness to Octavia’s voice. “I really wanted a black Labrador. A few days ago I saw one, but I only saw his bum as he walked around a corner.”

Raven places her hand lightly on Octavia’s shoulder. “What a bummer.” Her tone is teasing and playful.

This pulls a smile from Octavia. “Shut up, babe.” She gives Raven a gentle push. The bucket of water lands all over her. “Aw, you’re getting wet for me already, and I barely touched you.”

Raven’s jaw drops, but she won’t let Octavia win this. “Like watching me drip for ya?” She snakes her arms around the younger girl. Their chests are being pressed together.

Octavia feels the water seeping through her clothes. “You’re making me-” She groans. “Dammit, Raven!”

Clarke runs over with her bucket to splash water at Octavia and Raven. They all shriek as they chase each other.

Lexa growls when they splash water at her. She chases after them with two buckets to get back to them. It’s an outrage that they splashed water at her.

Ontari rolls her eyes as the four girls chase each other to play with water.

Lincoln watches with a pleased smile.

Lexa reaches out for Clarke’s hand when the blonde stumbles, but she was too late to steady Clarke, so they both fall down. They awkwardly roll around on the grass. Trying to steady the blonde was an automatic reflex.

Clarke clears her throat when she rolls on top of Lexa. “So uh… you kissed Raven and Octavia.” She knows this is a poor time to bring that up, but it made her feel something that she didn’t like. It feels as if the brunette kissed Octavia and Raven on purpose. That would be ridiculous. Octavia and Raven are sort of a thing.

“Are you jealous, Clarke?”

“Wha… what?” Clarke’s face pales. She feels like a deer caught in headlights. “N-no, no, not at all.” She stammers quickly. “Me, jealous? Never, yes, I mean no.” This is not going well. Okay so maybe she was jealous.

Lexa has a tightlipped smile while Clarke face palms. So the blonde _is_ jealous. “Do you wish I would have kissed you as well?” She drops her voice and sounds sultry on purpose. Kissing Octavia and Raven was innocent and didn’t make her feel anything.

Clarke’s cheeks flush. “I, I… uh, let’s get up.”

“You do not like to go down, Clarke?”

Clarke is confused. Once again, Lexa surprises her. Okay, she will bite. “I don’t mind it when it’s you I’m going down with.” She winks at the brunette and gets up.

“Is that why you fell for me, Clarke?” Lexa clicks the K with her tongue.

“Let’s uh… finish our chores.”

Lexa knows she was riling Clarke up a bit, but it has been fascinating to see the blonde’s reactions. Clarke easily blushes. It hadn’t gone unnoticed. Does that happen with anyone or does the blonde only have that around her? Hmm, maybe she’ll never know. Eventually they’ll be out of this place. They can’t keep her here forever. When she turns eighteen, they will have to let her go. That still takes a while, but it is something small to look forward to.

Perhaps Anya does mean well, but her sister doesn’t know how much it hurts to lose someone you love so deeply. Costia meant everything to her. The days she spent with Costia, they were always talking about their future. Costia was so full of life and light, a pure joy to be around. Everyone loved Costia, there was no way anyone could hate her. Costia had many dreams, about wanting a family and so much more.

The day Costia died, they had been on the phone mere seconds before it happened. After telling each other how much they love each other, Costia sounded so bubbly and happy when she said ‘ _I’ll see you soon!_ ’ and that never happened, unless people would count when she went to the morgue to identify Costia. That tore her apart. Seeing the one she loved more than anything lying on a table, all cold and damaged, it broke her. The impact of the car had killed Costia instantly. The only bit of peace they managed to give her was that it went so fast that she could have only felt a minimum of pain. 

When Lexa saw Costia on that table, she broke down. She curled up next to Costia’s body, until someone called Anya. While Anya dragged her away, she screamed until her lungs were burning and then she screamed some more. The day of the funeral was cold. She stood stubbornly in the rain, without a coat or an umbrella. When the sun went down, she was still standing there. It took Anya a long time to convince her to go home, and when she did, she had locked herself up in her room for a week. Her sister had to break her lock, because she refused to get out.

Clarke can’t peel her eyes away from Lexa. There is something about the brunette that’s intriguing. She wants to know Lexa better and figure her out. She wants to know what makes the brunette tick. Nobody has caught her attention like this before, not since Finn. Before her dad died, she had a relationship with Finn. It all broke off abruptly. She was counting on him, but he wasn’t there. While she was at her dad’s funeral, he made up some excuses. When she stopped by his door out of the blue, because she simply needed someone to listen, a friend, someone to be there for her, she caught him cheating on her.

Everything had been too much for Clarke at that time, so she fled into a life of drinking. The first time where she got really drunk was after she had caught Finn cheating on her. Nobody knows, she never told anyone why she broke up with him. People think she was being rash and simply unable to be with anyone since she lost her dad. Nobody has the full story of everything that happened. Later on she woke up somewhere on a bench at a park, and pieces of what she did the evening previous before that were gone. After that she kept drinking, lost as she was.

Clarke’s mother doesn’t understand. Yes, her mother lost her husband, but she wasn’t blind. She knew her parents had talked about divorcing. Their marriage was going down the drain. Not that her mother has to worry about that anymore now. Her dad is gone forever. He was always there for her, and he truly supported her art, unlike her mother. Her mother always wanted her to become a good doctor. When something was up, she was able to talk to her dad about it. He understood her. Her mother isn’t an easy person to talk to. Now it all doesn’t matter anymore. Her dreams to pursue art have been crushed. When she does paint, it’s all black and grey. She can’t bring herself to use colors anymore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Octavia and Raven hold each other’s hand as they walk to their room. Octavia is really nervous for tomorrow, because tomorrow there will be visits, so she’ll see her brother. It is Bellamy’s fault that she’s locked up in here, he did this to her. Her brother never understands her.

Raven cups Octavia’s cheeks. “You’re really nervous for tomorrow aren’t you?” It’s radiating off of the younger girl, it would be difficult not to notice how nervous Octavia must be.

“Yeah, very…” Octavia feels her hands shaking. “Shit, you don’t have… shit, I’m sorry.” She feels bad because Raven doesn’t even have anyone to visit her. How can she stand here being all nervous when Raven doesn’t have anyone?

Raven shrugs. “It is fine, I’m used to it.” Nobody has to feel bad for her. This is the way her life is. There won’t be anyone happy to see her and waiting to hug her or whatever it is that families do.

The streets are Raven’s home, that’s where she belongs. It’s the only place she belongs. In here she’s just a random stranger and an orphan. She has seen plenty of families, most of them seem to have a lot in common, yet most are quite different. Sometimes she stopped by the park and saw parents play with their children or having a picnic. It’s all foreign to her.

Octavia takes her shirt with sleeves off. She turns her back to Raven and puts her pajama on. Her arms are revealed. She stares at all the cuts, scattered across her arms, with several scars as well. Her lip is trembling. All of this, and she still feels the pain inside and now she can’t cope with it anymore.

Raven taps Octavia’s shoulder until the younger girl turns around to face her. She pulls her ponytail loose and whips her hair around. With one hand she takes Octavia’s hand and with her other hand, she places the rubber band around the younger girl’s wrist. She always used it to hold her hair up in a neat ponytail.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Octavia stares at Raven.

“I can see that you’re struggling.” It’s on obvious observation Raven has made. She tugs gently at the rubber band. “If you feel on edge, you can give it a little snap, but don’t overdo it, okay?” She doesn’t want Octavia to search for ways to cut herself anymore. With that, she turns around to put her pajama on.

Octavia whips Raven back around and kisses her. “Thank you.” She ghosts over the older girl’s lips. “For helping me, again.” For the first time, she feels like someone understands her. “I think this may help a bit.” She pulls at the rubber band and lets it snap. The feeling eases her a little.

Raven gently grips Octavia’s right arm, careful not to hurt Octavia. “Warn me if I hurt you, because I don’t want to do that, just to be clear.” She watches as the younger girl nods.

Octavia is speechless when Raven kisses her arm, her lips softly kissing along her scars. It’s a special feeling.

Raven takes her time to kiss every scar. To her, Octavia is perfect the way she is, scars and all.

“When you get out of here, you’ll be going back to the streets?” Octavia doesn’t want to see Raven ending up on the streets, even though the older girl is used to live on the streets.

“Yeah, that’s my plan.” It’s not like Raven has anywhere else to go. “I’d rather not wait until then though. I think I’ll try to escape from this place. Sooner or later I’ll turn eighteen anyway and then they’ll kick me out and the cops will be off my case as well.” She knows that all of this is temporary. When she turns eighteen, she’ll be her own problem.

“What if you uh…” Octavia bites her bottom lip. “You could live with me once we’re out of here.”

“The streets are my home, I don’t need another.”

“That’s… that’s not a home.” Octavia can’t believe that Raven would want to continue to live on the streets. “You could have a real home, with a roof above your head and a comfortable bed to sleep in, a home with a fridge with food and things to drink.”

“If it wasn’t for that cop I’d still be out on the street. I’ve survived so far, I would have been fine.”

“You would have been beaten. You told me you were being beaten. What if you would have gotten killed?”

Raven crawls into her bed. “The streets can be rough, but I’m used to that. You’ve never lived on the streets, so you wouldn’t get it.” She holds her hand out to Octavia. “If you’d be out on the streets, you would be like a lost puppy.” The younger girl looks too fragile.

“A lot puppy? Are you kidding me!?” Octavia grabs Raven’s collar. “I’m not weak!” She pushes the older girl against the wall. “Everyone always thinks I’m weak, but I’m not!” She holds her fists out. “Test me, I can take you.”

Raven steps forward and kisses Octavia. She presses her forehead against the younger girl’s forehead. “I’m sorry.” She can feel Octavia slightly relaxing. “I didn’t mean to imply that you would be weak. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Octavia crawls into the bed. “Can I hold you tonight?” She moves over as much as she can to make space for Raven. “I’d like to hold you, if you don’t mind.”

Raven nods and lies down next to Octavia. She feels the younger girl’s arms wrapping around her. Maybe she doesn’t want to lose this. She doesn’t want to lose Octavia. It is strange how quickly the younger girl is growing on her.

Octavia nuzzles herself in Raven’s arms. Her thoughts are flooding, too many at once. She takes the rubber band and lets it snap against her wrist.

Raven tries not to flinch each time she hears the rubber band snapping against Octavia’s wrist.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa looks at Clarke before entering her room. “Are you planning to bang on the wall again?” She’s hoping to have a peaceful silence tonight. If the blonde bangs on the wall again, it will truly frustrate her.

“No.” Clarke doesn’t meet Lexa’s eyes. “I’m sorry, I just… you don’t know how difficult this is when I don’t have alcohol to drink it all away.” Slamming the wall is a way to let things out, everything that boils up inside of her. She feels helpless.

“You cannot drink things away, Clarke.” Lexa wonders how people can think that drinking would help with the problems they’re facing. All drinking does is cause more damage.

“I don’t need a lecture from you.” Clarke looks up to meet Lexa’s eyes. “As if you handle everything so well. Do you think that barely eating is better than how I would drink?” She felt like she had to snap something back at the brunette. Lexa doesn’t know what it’s like to have that constant aching of wanting to drown problems.

“At least I would never drive drunk.” Lexa is tensing up. Clarke doesn’t have to tell her anything about how she handles everything. She’s not the one being a danger to others. “In fact, I never touch a single drop.” She hates alcohol, she absolutely despises it. Alcohol is the reason why Costia is dead. Someone consumed alcohol, way too much and mowed Costia over. It’s like poison, it’s toxic.

“Stop it!” Clarke snaps at Lexa. “Not everyone is the same, okay? You have to stop seeing me as if I’m some sort of drunk murderer. Sure I drank a lot before I got here, but I never drove a car when I got drunk!” She’s not stupid, she wouldn’t endanger anyone. “It’s fine if you don’t drink, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a mean bitch because I do like to drink! Look at the way you eat… or should I say lack of how you eat?”

Lexa is startled by Clarke’s angry tone. “Never speak of how I handle things. How would you be able to sleep when nightmares haunt you or able to eat when the nightmares are not gone when your eyes are open?” She is tired of the never-ending nightmare. “And how dare you call me a bitch?”

Clarke moves closer to the door of her room. “You’re not the only one with nightmares.” She enters her room and shuts the door, not bothering to wait for another word from Lexa.

Lexa bangs on Clarke’s door until she opens.

“What the fuck do you want, Lexa!?”

“If you dare to call me a bitch again then-”

“Then what!?” Clarke cuts Lexa off. She glares coldly at the brunette. Nobody should mess with her right now. She can’t take anyone’s shit if she doesn’t even have one glass to drink. “Threaten me all you like, see if I care!” Angry tears escape her eyes. “Just leave me alone, I never asked to be here.”

“Do you think I asked to be here? I have been dragged here, same as you.”

“See, we have that in common and maybe some other stuff too, yet you treat me like I’m dirt. I just… I don’t get you. One moment you’re silent. Then when you do open your mouth it’s all unexpected. Sometimes you’re outright mean and other times you seem to be sweet.” Clarke takes a step closer until she’s barely a few inches away from Lexa. “I struggle, just like you do. You don’t see me going around hating you for the way you cope with your pain. I’m sorry that you lost someone and that you have nightmares, and so much pain, but you’re not the only one.”

“I have to go to my room. You should as well, Clarke.” Lexa tries to keep her voice calm. She will not cry. She’s not going to break in front of this blonde. “Tomorrow we are receiving visits.”

“Hah.” Clarke scoffs. “I’d rather stay in this room than having to see my mom.” She’s not in the mood to see her mother.

“I want to apologize.”

“Okay…” Clarke takes a few deep breaths, trying to silence the urge to punch the walls. “I’m listening.” For now she is.

“I do not hate you, Clarke.” Lexa can’t hate Clarke, not even if she would want to. “I have been harsh on you, and I shouldn’t have been. For those things, I am sorry.” It’s fine if the blonde doesn’t believe her. She needed to say it, and now she did.

“Can we try to get along?” Clarke doesn’t want this storm to keep happening. “Could we try to be… friends?”

Lexa would react emotionally detached, not wanting to build any friendships at all, but maybe she can give Clarke a chance. “We can try.” It will only add to the list of things that drain her energy.

“Okay uh… goodnight.”

Lexa nearly laughs at the word. Nights aren’t good, they’re hell.

Clarke catches on to the way it seems almost comical for Lexa. “Just uh… you know, night.” She gets it, there’s no such thing as a good night, or sweet dreams or sleep well.

“Night, Clarke.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa lies down on her bed and shuts her eyes. She inhales deeply. The pajama she is wearing isn’t warm. It’s a top and a pair of shorts. She doesn’t bother to crawl under the sheets. The room next to her appears silent. Finally Clarke isn’t banging on the wall. It’s strange how she nearly misses the sound of the blonde banging on the wall. Maybe she’s going crazy.

She is so exhausted that she falls asleep. That’s where everything takes an awful turn. She slips into a nightmare again. Her body is reacting to it. She is shaking violently, unable to escape her nightmare.

_The streets are dimly lit. A few cars pass by. There isn’t much light to break through the darkness. Noises are barely present. She is walking down a street, directly into another. A few streets away, she sees her, Costia. She picks up her pace, wanting to get closer to Costia. For every step she takes, Costia seems to take one back. No, why is Costia stepping back? She tries to shout Costia’s name, but no words leave her mouth. The more she tries, the more it feels like a hand is squeezing around her throat._

_In the street where she sees Costia walking, a car is zigzagging from one side of the road, to the other. The driver is clearly drunk. She tries to run faster. Her chins are burning painfully so, but she keeps running. Costia needs her, she needs to help her. The car is getting closer to Costia. Right in front of her eyes, the car crashes into Costia, right as Costia looks at her._

_There is a faint smile on Costia lips, quickly turned into a bloody smile. The hood of the car crashed into Costia. She is bent over it, her blood dripping over the food. The light in Costia’s eyes fades out. Her heart is beating so heavily, it might jump out of her chest._

_She turns around when someone taps her shoulder. It’s Costia, but her eyes are different, they are much darker. Her body is battered and bruised. There’s a big gash on Costia’s forehead. She stretches her arms out. Costia’s hands glide through her body and she shivers. She wants to hug Costia, but it feels like grasping air._

_Costia looks at her, eyes so cold. “I’m waiting for you, Lexa. I need you here with me.” Costia begins to fade away. “I’ll see you soon.”_

_“Wait, Costia, no!” Lexa tries to grasps her, but it’s no use. Costia keeps fading. “Please, wait!” She can’t lose Costia, not again. “Costia!!” Costia fades away completely._

“Costia, no!!” Lexa screams and gasps for air. “Please!”

There is a sound of fists slamming against the wall. “Lexa!” Clarke is shouting. “Lexa, wake up! It’s not real!”

Lexa twists around on the bed. “Costia!! Please, don’t leave me!” Tears stream down her cheeks. She can’t breathe. “Not again, please!!”

Clarke kicks through Lexa’s door. She hasn’t seen anyone in the hall yet. Seeing Lexa so broken hurts a lot. She rushes to the brunette’s side. Hesitantly, she caresses Lexa’s cheeks. “Shh, it’s a dream. Lexa, you’re dreaming.” She keeps her voice soft. “Open your eyes, it’s a nightmare.”

Lexa opens her eyes. She’s very confused when her eyes meet blue. “Cl-Clarke?” She is still struggling to breathe. “I… did I wake you up? I am sorry.” She hates it that Clarke is seeing her like this. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard you scream.” Clarke wasn’t sleeping yet when she heard Lexa scream, but even if she had been sleeping, she still would have heard. “You were having a nightmare.” She wipes the brunette’s tears away. “It wasn’t real, it wasn’t really happening.” Or at least not again.

“It felt real, Clarke. I felt it, I felt…” Lexa stops talking. No, she isn’t one to talk about how she feels. She has to shut down again. “I am fine now, thank you. You should go to bed.”

Clarke sits down next to Lexa on the bed. “Saying you are fine and being fine are two different things.” She lies down next to the brunette.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s eyes widen. “What are you doing?”

“Maybe I can keep you safe from your nightmare, and you can keep me safe from mine.”

Lexa breathes out slowly. She nods slightly.

Clarke moves against the wall. She carefully winds her arms around Lexa and whispers into her ear to help her breathe. “You’re safe, Lexa.” She knows that the brunette is only human, with nightmares haunting her. “I… I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” She’s not sure why, but she wants to protect Lexa.

There is something oddly comforting about the way Clarke is holding her. “You won’t tell anyone, right?” She doesn’t want more people to know about her nightmares. It’s all so embarrassing, it makes her vulnerable.

“I promise I won’t.” Clarke wants to do this for Lexa, to help her. “I’m here as your friend.” She wants to help the brunette sleep.

Lexa feels her eyes closing while Clarke is softly humming to help her sleep. “Clarke…” It’s a sleepy whisper, she is so tired.

“Yes, Lexa?”

“Thank you.”

Clarke keeps humming and stroking Lexa’s hair until she falls asleep. Doing this for the brunette, it is the first thing in months that actually makes her feel good. She wants to scare Lexa’s nightmares away and absorb her pain. Right now, she doesn’t want a drink. All she wants is for Lexa to be okay.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their healing process will take time. 
> 
> Octaven has been getting together. 
> 
> Clexa will take a bit longer. After all, Lexa lost a lover.


	5. It's going to be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing this final chapter made me emotional.

Lexa is slightly disorientated for a while when she stirs awake. The first thing she notices is that she’s not alone. She slowly turns around and sees Clarke. The blonde is sleeping, with her hands lightly tangled in her hair. Everything is flooding back to her. She had a nightmare and the blonde entered her room. Clarke hummed until she fell asleep. Her sleep has been surprisingly decent. The blonde offered her comfort.

Clarke looks so peaceful and beautiful while she sleeps. Well, the blonde always looks beautiful, but watching her sleep is different. She caresses Clarke’s cheek, the way the blonde had caressed hers last night.

The door opens and Lincoln walks in.

Clarke stirs awake from the sound.

Clarke and Lexa both sit up, eyes widening with concern. Neither of them is sure if this would be against one of the rules. It’s unsure what some rules are.

Lincoln holds a finger to his lips. “Time to get dressed, girls. Today you will be visited.” He smiles at them, turns around and leaves.

Clarke can see why Raven calls Lincoln the friendly giant. He does seem friendly. She doesn’t look forward to the visit.

Lexa groans a little at the prospect of having to see her older sister soon, the one who brought her to this place.

Reluctantly they get ready for the visits that they don’t really want.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Concern swirls through Raven’s eyes as she looks at Octavia’s wrist. The younger girl had snapped the rubber band so often that her wrist looks red now. She thought she could help her, but so far she failed. Quite pathetic, wanting to help someone when she fails to help herself.

“I’m fine.” Octavia tries to reassure Raven with a faint smile. She appreciates that the older girl gave her that rubbed band. “It helped me a bit.”

Raven’s eyes fill with sorrow. She takes Octavia’s hand in hers and kisses the younger girl’s red wrist.

Octavia tries not to wince at the touch of Raven’s lips on her wrist. Her wrist feels sensitive for now. Surely it’ll pass soon. She’s dreading seeing her brother today. Since the older girl doesn’t have anyone to visit her, she dreads this even more.

“I’m sorry, babe.” Octavia whispers sadly. She can see Raven pausing before backing away. “I know I’m hurting you, because of what I do. It’s true isn’t it? When I hurt myself, I hurt you. I’m completely fucked up.”

Raven cups Octavia’s cheeks gently in her hands. “You’re not fucked up. Everyone has their struggles, and it really fucking sucks, it really does, but that doesn’t mean you’re fucked up. You’re sweet, beautiful and so much more.”

“I can’t lose any more people.” Octavia holds on to Raven and cries onto her shoulder. “Please, I can’t lose you.” She can’t bear the pain of having to lose the older girl after everyone else she lost. “If you want to live on the streets, okay, but at least let me live there with you.”

Raven manages a small smile. “Are we u-hauling already?” She carefully points at Octavia’s cuts without touching them. “I know you’re hurt, and I’m not talking about those cuts. You’re hurting so much on the inside. I know you want to have a way to cope with it, and of course you can have a way to cope with it, but hurting yourself isn’t it. You can’t cut the pain away, just like… just like I can’t take mine away by smoking or by doing drugs.” She realizes that she never handled things all that well either.

“All I…” Octavia feels her voice broken. “I just… I need someone to understand, someone who… someone who listens. I need someone who won’t treat me as if I’m fucked up. When my brother looks at me, it’s as if all he sees is this broken girl who can’t take care of herself. I want to make my own decisions. If someone could just… trust me, without creating rules and restrictions for me.”

“I’m so proud of how strong you are, O.”

“You know… you’re really amazing, Raven.” Octavia manages to smile. For a moment her pain doesn’t exist. “You know, I think…I think I can be okay.”

Raven gives Octavia’s hand a squeeze. “You’ll get there, one step at a time. Sometimes you might stumble, but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. Everything takes time. When we fall, we get up again, no matter how long it takes and it’s completely okay to accept a hand or even a few.”

Octavia takes the rubber band off of her wrist. “Can I tie this in your hair for you?”

“Yeah sure.” Raven turns her back towards Octavia.

“You won’t leave me once you get out of here, will you?”

Raven can hear the tremble of Octavia’s lip as she speaks. “If you’re still here once I’m out, I’ll either stay or I’ll break you out. Does that sound good?”

Octavia laughs. “Yeah, that sounds good.” Tears escape from her eyes and finally these aren’t tears caused by pain.

Lincoln opens their door. “Good morning, girls. Today you will be getting your visits, Octavia and Raven.” He smiles warmly at them, as always.

Raven shakes her head. “Just Octavia, not me.” She doesn’t have anyone.

“I’ve been informed that there will be a visitor for you as well, Raven.”

“Huh?” Raven cocks her head. “A visitor for me? Oh wait, is it that cop that brought me here?”

“No, it is not someone from the police.”

Raven wants to ask more questions, but Lincoln is already making his way to other rooms. Who could possibly be visiting her? Okay, so it’s not a cop. Maybe she will be in trouble. It could be someone from that gang who had been chasing her.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Abby smiles sadly at Clarke. “Hey, honey.” She holds her arms out for a hug.

Clarke shakes her head. “Hi, mom.” She decides not to hug her because she doesn’t feel like it.

“How are you? Is the food okay? Are they treating you well? How are the others girls? Did you make any friends?”

“Mom, slow down.” Clarke didn’t think her mother would ask so much at once. “I’m fine, just fine. The food is fine. Everything is just fine.”

Abby pushes something over the table. “I brought you some colored pencils and a sketchbook. I know how much you like to draw, honey.”

“Why would you bring me this? You know I don’t use colors anymore. Besides, you never supported me when I used to love art.”

Abby’s heart breaks upon hearing her daughter using a past tense. “I’m so sorry, Clarke. I made so many mistakes. If you ever do decide you would want to pursue art, you will have my full support.” Clarke is all she has left.

“You’re serious? You would support me with that and not push me to become a doctor?”

“As I said, I’ve been wrong. I want to do what’s right.”

Clarke can’t stop herself from crying. “Do you remember when I broke up with Finn…? After… after dad died?” Her voice sounds hoarse.

“Yes honey, I remember. You’ve been going through so much pain.”

“There was a reason why I broke up with him… I never told anyone. After dad died… I just… I needed someone, even if it was just for a hug. So I ran to Finn, and he was cheating on me. I broke up with him and I began to drink. I know I fucked up, I fucked up so much.”

Abby reaches across the table for Clarke’s hands. “Clarke, look at me. It’s not your fault. You’ve been going through so much pain and you kept it all to yourself. I want what is best for you. You can’t drink it away, honey.” She squeezes her daughter’s hands. “I’m so sorry you had to go through so much.”

Clarke stands up to walk around the table and hug her mother. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She can’t stop crying.

“Shh, I got you honey.”

“I miss dad so much, it hurts.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Bellamy wraps his arms tightly around Octavia. “I’m so happy to see you, O.”

“I blamed myself when mom died.” Octavia blurts out. “I felt like… people always leave me, like I’m toxic to them.”

“You felt this way all this time?”

Octavia shamefully nods.

“It’s not your fault, O. You won’t lose everybody. You have me. I know I’m not always the greatest brother, but I want to take care of you.”

“Bell, stop. That’s not what I want. I don’t want you to take care of me.” Octavia tries to build up her courage. “I want to take care of myself, I want to stand on my own feet and show that I can do this. Sure, I may need some guidance at times, but I’m my own person. You can’t keep going as if we’d be attached to the hip, because we’re not.” She doesn’t want her brother to baby her. “I don’t want you to see me as if I’m broken and weak, and as if I need you at all times. You need to believe in me. I can’t promise you that I would never cut myself anymore, because honestly I might do it again sometimes, but I need you to trust me that I can work through this. It will take time and I could slip up along the way, and I need you to try and not freak out about that.”

Bellamy tries to take it all in, tries to understand.

“I have a girlfriend, Bell.” Octavia smiles as she thinks about Raven. “Her name is Raven. She helps. Having her around helps.”

“I’m happy for you, O.” Bellamy smiles at his sister. “I’ll try to support you more. I’m sorry that I was taking everything out of your hands.”

“See, that’s all I ask, for you to try.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lexa can see how exhausted her sister looks. Anya looks like she hasn’t slept in a while. There are bags under her eyes.

“When is the last time you had a decent sleep, Anya?”

“You’re asking me that? I’m here for you, Lex. How’s your sleep?”

“It was fine last night.” Lexa replies earnestly. “Well not at first, but someone helped me through my nightmare.”

“That’s kind. What’s her name?”

“How do you…?”

“You’re my sister, Lex.”

“Her name is Clarke. She used to get drunk all the time before she got here, and I wanted to hate her. I just, I felt so much anger each time I saw her, because when I looked at her… I saw, I just saw the one who killed Costia. Clarke is stubborn and she looks good. We didn’t always get along, but she is kind to me. Do you remember the blonde who yelled at me when you brought me here?”

“Yeah, she looked like a feisty one.”

Lexa laughs a little. “Yeah, she is. That’s Clarke.”

“I’m proud of you, Lex.”

“What for? I have done nothing to be proud of.”

“I’m proud of you for trying, for talking.”

“Oh…” Lexa realizes her mistake. Most of the time she’s very silent and reserved about her thoughts and feelings. “I just…”

“I love you, Lex. You’re my sister, and I miss you.”

“I’m still not happy that you brought me here.” Lexa still has to work through that. “But I love you as well, and maybe I missed you too.”

Anya tilts her head. “Maybe?”

“As I said, I am not happy that you brought me here.”

“I was worried about you, Lexa. I was absolutely terrified that I would lose you. It was scary what was happening to you, and I refused to let you slip away like that.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Raven nervously follows Lincoln, having no clue who her visitor is. It’s a man who she doesn’t recognize. She grasps Lincoln’s wrist. “Stay.” She doesn’t want to be alone with the stranger.

Lincoln nods slowly.

Once Raven is sure that Lincoln won’t leave, she relaxes her grip on his wrist.

“Hello, Raven.” The stranger says. He smiles at her.

“Uh hi…” Raven nervously steps forward. “Who are you?”

“My name is Sinclair.” He sits down and looks at Raven. “I didn’t know you existed and I’m so sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m your father.”

“No way.” Raven gasps. “That’s not possible! If you’re my father, then why did you…Seventeen years!” She can’t believe this. When her mother died, she thought she was an orphan. “I’ve been living on the streets and now you waltz in here and you tell me you’re my father?”

“I’m sorry, Raven.” Sinclair apologizes. “Your mother never told me about you.”

“Well she wouldn’t be able to anymore, she died. How did you find out about me anyway?”

“A police officer contacted me. He said he is trying to help me and he told me you’re here.”

“I knew cops can’t be trusted.” Raven balls her fists. “Seventeen years!”

“Can we talk?”

“Fine, whatever.” Raven angrily sits down. “Talk and I’ll see if I want to listen or not.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke, Lexa, Octavia and Raven have another therapy session with Kane. They all feel strange and different after seeing their visitors. None of them has really said a word since.

“Hello, girls.” Kane greets them. He points towards empty canvases. “You may paint something.”

Octavia takes one paintbrush in each hand. She tries to paint a rainbow. Between each stroke, she glances at Raven’s painting.

Raven is painting a rainbow to match Octavia’s rainbow. “You’re so gay, O.” She winks at her girlfriend. Her conversation with her father went really well. Apparently he’s an engineer and he offered her a job that she can do once she gets out of this place.

Octavia chuckles lightly. “You’re one to talk, babe.” She winks back at Raven. Maybe everything can be okay, after some time.

“Hey uh, O…”

“Yes?”

“Apparently my visitor was my father. I didn’t even know about his existence. He’s an engineer and he offered me a job. I took it.”

“That’s awesome, babe! I’m so happy for you.”

Raven nods with a small smile. “Yeah, it looks like I won’t have to sell drugs on the streets anymore.” It’s definitely progress.

Lexa is painting the sun, shining brightly. It reminds her of Clarke. The blonde has been sweet and helpful. She still needs time to process things, but she knows she has people who love her. Anya is her sister, who cares deeply about her and she had been pushing her away. Octavia and Raven are the weirdest friends she can have, but friends all the same. Then there’s Clarke, a wild whirlwind, yet capable of silencing her storm.

Clarke sticks her tongue out in concentration while she paints. She knows clearly what she wants to paint. Each time someone tries to look at her canvas, she covers her painting with her body. They’ll have to wait until she’s done. A weight fell off of her shoulders after her talk with her mother. She never really talked so openly to her mother. It was difficult to get it all out, but it was much needed after she bottled everything up for so long. Maybe drinking is not the right way to cope.

Lexa gasps when she sees Clarke painting. “Oh Clarke…” Tears spring into her eyes.

“Hey, hey.” Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa, without thinking about it. For a moment she forgets that Octavia, Raven and Kane are there as well. She wipes the brunette’s tears away with her thumbs. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“These tears are not bad, Clarke.” Lexa assures Clarke. She’s breathing a bit too fast. Having the blonde’s arms around her helps to calm her down. “You painted me. Out of everything you could possibly paint, you painted me. Why did you paint me?”

Clarke looks at the painting she made. Green, so much green. After so long, she painted in color again. “I painted you because…” Her voice breaks and she begins to cry as well. “I painted you because you color my life, Lexa. You are my color. You make me feel alive.”

Octavia and Raven watch in silence as Clarke and Lexa bawl their eyes out while not letting go of each other.

Raven snakes her arms around Octavia’s waist. She kisses the younger girl and smiles against her lips for the rainbows they both painted.

Kane is sitting on a chair with a notebook and a pen, writing things down.

Lexa tenderly caresses Clarke’s cheek and leans her forehead against the blonde’s.

Clarke closes the small gap between them. Her lips meet Lexa’s delicate and sweet lips. She closes her eyes and all she sees is color, so much color.

Lexa’s heart doesn’t ache anymore. She can feel Clarke’s wet cheeks against her wet cheeks. The blonde makes her world so much lighter. She will be okay. She will be. She can be.

It's going to be okay. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that's a wrap for this story. 
> 
> I hope the ending is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write a darker fic this time. I have never been in an institution myself, but I do go through a depression and I've battled certain things, which helped me to write this story. I apologize if any of the representations seems off. Each person experiences things in their own unique way.


End file.
